1.Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.” His family urges him to go on.
“Before I got married, I had it all,” Stanislaw explains. “Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you‘re on your deathbed.‘ So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I‘m not even thirsty!”（英语笑话带翻译 www.lyy5.com ）
翻译：
“知道什么？”
临死之前，Stanislaw被他挚爱的家人包围着。知道自己的最后时刻就要来了，他拿出所有力气，轻声耳语，“我必须告诉你们一个最大的秘密。”他的家人催他赶紧说。
Stanislaw说，“在我结婚之前，我什么都有：靓车，美女，还有大把大把的钱。但是一个好朋友警告我说，‘你应该结婚，建立一个家庭，否则当你奄奄一息躺在床上时，都没个人会为你端上一杯水。’于是我听取了他的建议，离开了姑娘们，娶了一个妻子。我不再把钱花在啤酒上，而是留下来给孩子们买吃的。我卖掉了我的法拉利，投资了大学基金。所以现在才有了你们。可你们知道吗？”
“可是现在我一点都不渴啊！”
2.Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
“Will the winter be bad?” he asks.
“Looks like it,” is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again.
“Are you positive the winter will be very cold?”
“Absolutely.”
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: “Are you sure?”
“I‘m telling you, it‘s going to be the coldest winter on record.”
“How do you know?”
“Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!”
翻译：
印地安人问他们的新酋长，这个冬天是冷还是温暖。这位年轻的酋长从没学过祖先那些本领，他只好吩咐他们去捡木柴，然后自己走到一边去给国家气象局打电话。
“今年冬天会不会很冷？”他问。
“看上去是这样的。”他得到这样的回答。
于是酋长要求大家收集更多的木柴。一个星期后，他又打电话给国家气象局。
“你确信今年冬天会很冷？”
“毫无疑问。”
酋长随即要求族人捡更多的木柴，然后再次给国家气象局打电话：“你肯定吗？”
“我告诉你，那将是有史以来最寒冷的冬天。”
“你怎么知道？”
“因为印第安人正发疯似地捡木柴！”
3.Working at the post office, I‘m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What‘s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh, good,” she gushed. “We‘ve been waiting for this for ages.” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband‘s new hearing aid.”
翻译：
我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗？”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了！”“是什么好东西？”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。
4.Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I‘ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there‘s somebody under it. I‘m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I‘ll cure your fears.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I‘ll sleep on it,” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn‘t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain‘t nobody under there now!”
翻译：
杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢？”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了！”
