★I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn‘t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
★I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
★Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
★The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it‘s still on the list.
★Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you can‘t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
★We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
★I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
★Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening‘, and then proceed to tell you why it isn‘t.
★Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
★If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
★Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
★I didn‘t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
★Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
翻译：
★开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。
★我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去，而不要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊!
★你永远不能战胜一个纯SB，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平，然后用丰富的经验打败你。
★吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
★有些人就像 Slinkies(弹簧玩具)，没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来倒腾去还是很有喜感。
★我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
★曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
★晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。
★直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果;智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。
意译b：所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你最终还是男女有别。
★上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧!
★无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
★老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
★海豚可聪明了你知道不?只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。
