Ever feel that your relationship suffers from a unique brand of frustration, tension, distance, or any number of other troubling feelings? The reality is, there is struggle in every romance. “If you are experiencing disillusionment, well, join the human race”.
Hendrix, author of the best selling book, Getting the Love You Want, started examining the question, “why do couples fight” in the late 1970s. After studying and working with thousands of couples, he has found that there are 10 common bad habits couples engage in that make relationships miserable and can lead to break-up or divorce.
1. Be critical.
Even “constructive” criticism can make your partner defensive and reduce the feeling of safety in a relationship. Being harsh and judgmental when angry can trigger a “flight or fight response.”
2. Insist your partner be exactly the same as you.
“Absolute compatibility” is an express route to a dull relationship. If you insist your partner have the same feelings and perceptions as you do, it can lead to despair and misery.
3. Flee from intimacy.
If you habitually avoid being physically or emotionally close with your partner through escaping into work, hobbies, television, or other activities, you risk creating a divide between you and your partner that may become impossible to breach.
4. Play the blame game.
Using “you” language when upset will make your partner put up their defenses. When your goal is to communicate in a way that fosters intimacy, use statements that begin with “I feel” instead.
5. Bargain.
Both “giving conditionally and receiving cautiously” erode relationships. He warns against doing something for a partner only when you want something in exchange.
6. Be casual about romance.
No relationship can be spontaneously joyful forever. Once the initial excitement of a new romance wears off, some couples think their relationship is over and give up trying. They risk missing out on experiencing a deeper kind of love.
7. Focus on the negative.
If you constantly think and talk about your partner‘s flaws it can amplify your discontent. A paradox of most forms of couples therapy is that you spend your sessions complaining about your partner—something that can actually be detrimental to your relationship.
8. Refuse to listen.
Thinking you are the right all the time and engaging in a one-way monologue is a great way to end up in a relationship…of one.
9. Hide your needs.
If you don‘t express what you need and want to your partner, you‘ll constantly feel deprived and frustrated. It‘s crucial share “the things that truly touch your heart.”
10. Expect a fairytale romance.
Fairy tales are just that and eventually we all have to come down to earth. Demanding the fantasy go on forever prevents your partner from ever being their authentic self and fosters resentment and distance.
翻译：
你是否曾经感觉自己的感情曾经遭受沮丧，紧张，距离或其他负面情绪的困扰？事实是，在每段感情中这些纠结都不可避免。“如果你正在经历这种幻灭，那么说明你和大家都一样”。
畅销书《相爱一生》的作者Hendrix在上世纪70年代末开始研究这个问题，“夫妻间为什么会有争斗”。在对几千对夫妻进行了研究和共事之后，他发现，那些婚姻悲剧的夫妻有10个共同的坏习惯，这可能导致他们分手或离婚。
1.太严苛。
哪怕是“建设性”的批评也会让你的伴侣产生抵触情绪，并降低二人关系之间的安全感。过于严厉和主观，会让愤怒引发一场“战斗或战斗反应”。
2.坚持让你的伴侣和你一模一样。
“绝对的一致”很快就会让两人的关系变得乏味。如果你坚持让你的伴侣拥有和你一样的感觉和认识，这会导致绝望和悲剧。
3.拒绝亲密。
如果你习惯性地避免和你的伴侣进行身体或情感上的亲密接触，而选择在工作、爱好、电视或其他活动中去逃避，你可能正在你和伴侣之间制造隔阂，而且这种隔阂可能会难以消除。
4.相互指责。
在感觉糟糕的时候用“你”这种表达会让你的伴侣产生抵触情绪。当你的目标是用一种能培养亲密感的方式进行沟通，换用“我感觉……”作为开头试试。
5.做交易。
6.对于浪漫过于随意。
“有条件的给予和谨慎的接受”都会毁掉一段感情。Hendrix警告的是那些为伴侣做某件事只是为了交换另一件事的人。
没有感情可以永远自然地保持快乐。一旦一段新感情最初的激动消退，一些情侣就认为他们的关系已经结束了，而且放弃继续尝试。他们可能会错过经历一段更深层的爱。
7.太过在意消极的情绪。
如果你不停地考虑并谈论你伴侣的缺点，这会放大你的不满。大多数情侣治疗形式的一个悖论在于，你在治疗期间抱怨你的另一半，而这其实会损害你们的感情。
8.拒绝倾听。
认为自己任何时候都是正确的，而且只顾着自己说话，这是毁掉一段感情的好办法。
9隐藏自己的需求。
如果你从不对伴侣表达你需要什么想要什么，你会一直感觉到不满和沮丧。分享那些“真正触动你内心的东西” 是非常重要的。
10.期待童话般的感情。
童话只是童话，最终我们都要回归现实。希望幻想一直延续会让你的伴侣永远无法做真实的自己，会给你们带来怨恨和距离。
