When I was a new teacher in China, every day I taught English to my students and they taught me about China. One day the topic turned to saying: “I love you.” I was shocked to learn that not one of my students had said this to their mothers, nor had their mothers said it to them
“Does your mom love you?”
“Of course,” they chorused, a bit offended that I‘d even asked.
“How do you know?” was my logical question. They responded that their moms cooked and always told them what they were doing wrong to show their caring. I was stunned. So mom‘s cooking and criticizing read out as “I love you”.
How do you say “I love you” to her? They agreed that getting good grades, followed by good jobs and then marrying and having that precious grandchild would be how they showed their love.
I come from a culture where most people would find that not expressive enough, so I repeated these queries in classes over time. Gradually, I began to get different responses. Some of them had exchanged those sentiments with their moms.
One of my favorite stories of change came from a young woman. When she came home from university, her mother met her at the door and hugged her. This had never happened before, but her mom said: “Now that you have gone I have more time to myself and I watch TV more. I noticed that in some places mothers and children hug each other and I decided it was a good idea and that I would begin hugging you.”
Usually the changes come from the younger generation, but in this case the college student‘s mother was the agent of change!
One class included an older man who is a scientist and represents China in prestigious conferences all over the world. He revealed that he had never said those words to his wife, nor had he ever brought her flowers. I teased him that the reason he didn‘t is because she would be suspicious and ask him what he had done! We all had a laugh, but in fact, he wasn‘t sure how she would react to such a gesture after so many years.
After he left the school, he wrote and told me that on his way to his house he stopped and bought her a bouquet. She was absolutely thrilled, and a new and wonderful way of saying “I love you” was established in their marriage.
Class surveys now reveal that younger women want to hear the magic words. They want romance in their lives. We all applauded the man in his 40s who said he does try to be romantic because it is clearly what his wife wants, although he is still a bit uncomfortable with tender expressions.
Since the women of today now look for that, the men who don‘t fight past their discomfort may find themselves out in the cold, maybe wondering why.
In my family we all say “I love you” a lot. While it is true that we often say the words without having a great depth of feeling at that moment, it is almost like a blessing we give each other. Recently, my daughter died unexpectedly and we are all so glad that the last words she heard from all of us were an almost automatic, “I love you.”
Those three little words carry a world of meaning, even when said as a greeting, but most especially if they are the last words we say to or hear from those we love.
翻译
.初来中国当老师的那会儿，我每天都会给学生上英文课，同时他们也教我了解中国。一天我们探讨的话题是“说‘我爱你’”。使我感到震惊的是，没有一个学生对妈妈讲过这句话，他们的妈妈也未曾对他们说过。
“妈妈爱你吗？”
“当然，”他们异口同声，我的问题似乎冒犯了他们。
“你怎么知道的？”我问了一个符合自己逻辑的问题。他们回答说妈妈会做饭给他们吃,常常会告诉他们哪里出了错以示关心。我大吃一惊。这样说来妈妈的饭菜和批评就可以解读为“我爱你”。
你如何向她表达“我爱你”？他们一致表明只要取得好成绩，找到一份好工作，接下来结婚生子就是他们表达爱的方式。
在我们的文化观念中，大部分人会觉得仅仅这些表达是不够的。所以我时常会在课堂上重复这些问题。渐渐地，同学们有了一些不同的回应。一些人同母亲进行了情感沟通。
在这些转变的故事中，我最喜爱的一则发生在一位年轻女士身上。当她从学校回到家中时，妈妈在门口迎接并拥抱了她。这是以前从未有过的事，但妈妈说：“现在你离家在外，我有了更多的时间来看电视节目。我注意到一些地方的妈妈会和子女相互拥抱。这好极了，我决定要开始拥抱你。”
转变通常来自年轻的一代，但在这件事上这位大学生的母亲成为转变的推动者。
某班有位年长的男士，身为科学家的他常代表中国出席国际权威会议。他承认自己从未和妻子有过这样的对白，也从未送花给她。我打趣说，他不这样做是因为妻子会怀疑他是不是做错了什么！大家哄堂大笑，但事实上，经过这么多年，他不确定妻子面对这样的行为会有何反应。
结业后，他写信告诉我回家路上他给妻子买了束花。妻子显然很激动，在彼此的婚姻中他们重新找到一种说“我爱你”的美妙方式。
学生问卷调查显示，年轻女性更愿意听到爱情密语。生活中，她们渴望浪漫。我们赞赏那位40岁男士,他也表示自己愿意变浪漫是考虑到妻子的心愿，尽管对于这样柔情的表达方式他还是有一点不自在。
当代女性普遍希望生活得浪漫一些，这样一来，那些对于爱难以启齿的男士们反而会一头雾水，不知道自己受冷落的原因。
在我家，我们经常会把“我爱你”挂在嘴边。好吧，我承认大多数如此表达的时刻，我们并未用情至深，就好像祝福彼此一样。最近我的女儿意外去世，我们感到欣慰的是在她弥留之际，听到最多的是大家近乎本能说出的“我爱你”。
即便只是一个单纯的寒暄，这简单的3个字也意味深长。若成为爱人间最后的对话，它们的意义更是刻骨铭心。
