Looking for my book, that’s what you do when you write a book. I can’t find mine; all I can find are dirty novels, cookbooks and diet books. Year after year cook books and diet books are the biggest seller, how not to eat it once you’ve learned how to cook it. To sell a diet book you need some crazy idea of what to eat or not to eat. Here’s a peanut butter diet book, the ice cream diet book, the bikini diet, none of these books agrees on what you should or shouldn’t eat.
The Atkins Diet has been popular for year, Atkins make nutritionists mad by saying you can eat just about all the fat you want, as long as you don’t eat many carbohydrates, sugar and bread. I like Atkins because I cook with butter. The Scarsdale Diet was a popular fad for several years, it has a chart in here indicating what you ought to weigh. Says a woman five feet four ought weigh between 110 and 123 pounds. If you’re a man five foot eight, Doctor Tarnower said you should weigh between 137 and 153 pounds. Well I’m a man five foot eight, who weighs between 205 and 206 pounds, according to him I should be six feet six inches tall.
Doctor Phil has a new book out, looks good but I’d be afraid Doctor Phil’s diet might make bald. The Pritikin Diet, everything is non-fat milk in these diets. That’s why kids aren’t drinking milk anymore: tastes like fat-free dishwater. They only have charts listing things you could eat, like half a piece of celery of 4.5 grams of applesause. Is there anyone who knows what a gram of applesauce look like?
This is the most popular book these days, the South Beach Diet Book. There are some surprises in here, it ahs a list of foods to avoid and one of them is apples. Maybe that’s because apples are bad for the doctor’s business, “an apple a day keeps a doctor without pay.”
You’ve all seen the diet ads at the back of bad magazines, before after, she took Hydroxycut to lose weight. Before, midpoint, after, boy, she’s had that bathing suit a long while. If I really wanted to lose weight though I know what I’d do, I’d cut my eyebrows.
翻译：
找我写的书，如果你写了一本书，你也会这么做的。 我找不到我写的书，只找到一些色情小说，烹调书和关于减肥饮食的书。年复一年，烹调书和关于减肥饮食的书总是最畅销的书，如果你学会了做菜，又怎能不去吃它呢。为了使一本关于减肥饮食的书好卖，在什么东西该吃，什么东西不该吃这个问题上，你必须得有一些疯狂的想法。这里有花生酱减肥的书，冰激凌减肥的书，比基尼减肥的书，这些书在什么东西该吃，什么东西不该吃这个问题上从来没有相同的观点。
《阿特金斯减肥书》已经畅销好几年了，阿特金斯把营养学家都逼疯了，他说，你能吃所有你想吃的脂肪，只要不吃大量碳水化合物、糖和面包。我喜欢阿特金斯，因为我做饭喜欢用黄油。好几年来，《斯卡斯代尔减肥书》盛行不衰，书里有一张表格指出人的标准体重。例如，一名身高五英尺四英寸的女子体重应该在110至123磅之间。如果你是一名身高五英尺八英寸的男人，塔恩奥厄医生说，你的体重应该在137至153磅之间。我的身高是五英尺八英寸，体重是205或206磅。照他的说法，我应该有六英尺六英寸高。
费尔医生写了一本新书，看起来不错，但我很担心，费尔医生的食谱也许会让我秃顶。《普林逖金减肥法》里，所有一切都是脱脂牛奶。这就是为什么孩子们都不再喝牛奶了，因为那玩意儿喝起来就像不含脂肪的洗碗水。他们只列出你应该吃的东西，例如半棵芹菜，4.5克苹果酱。谁知道1克苹果酱到底有多少吗？
这本是当前最流行的书——《南海岸食谱》。书里有一处着实令人感到惊讶，在一列禁食的食品单里，其中有一项竟然是苹果。这也许是应为苹果会妨碍医生的生意，“一天一苹果，医生没得活”。
你曾在一些糟糕的杂志封底见过一些减肥食品的广告，模特儿在服用燃脂丸之前或之后的样子。服药之前、之间、之后， 天哪，她那件游泳衣一定穿了好长时间。如果我真要减肥，我知道该怎么做，我要剃掉我的眉毛。
Tags:减肥
